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America To Rotate Phrase Describing Afghan Prisoners on a Daily Basis
Saturday, January 25, 2002 - Washington, D.C.
Tired of Being Criticized by other nations, Amnesty International, the ACLU, his wife, his cat and a determined pretzel, U.S. President George Q. Bush declared a new prisoner naming convention on Friday afternoon.
Dubbed the "terrorist-go-round," the policy states that America will develop several naming conventions for the prisoners held in the U.S. military base in Cuba, then rotate them on a daily basis.
"While we are not calling them Prisoner's of War, as we are supposed to according to the Geneva Convention," Defense Secretary Ronald Dumsfeld declared, "we have selected several other appropriate terms to describe our relation to the evil scumbags."
Critics were quick to declare the new policy a blatant attempt to confuse the American people. The President himself seemed confused and embarassed Saturday when he mistakenly referred to the prisoners as "the scum of the earth" during a press conference. "Scum of the earth" was not on the official list.
A selection of phrases chosen by the administration include "Anti-American Militants," "Bad People," "Bay of Pig-Dogs," "Guantana-No-Mo" and "Evil Doers."
Giving into pressure, American officials offered concessions late Saturday, agreeing to delouse the prisoners, give them stale bread and water, and reduce daily flogging to 3 hours per day from the current levels. Prisoners will also no longer be forced to watch back-to-back episodes of Becker and V.I.P.
A spokesperson from Amnesty International, contacted by BCB, did not appear to be completely satisfied with these latests measures.
