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Leaders Divided as Violence Plagues Church of Jedi
Wednesday, May 14, 2003 - Burnaby, British Columbia
Following months of violence and speculation of internal turmoil, religious leader's Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson held separate press conferences today.
"Now that our Church has grown to 20,000 here in Canada, and by leaps and bounds elsewhere in the world, it is time for us to lower the midichlorine level requirements, allowing even those who do not use the force to join our organization," reformist leader Samuel L. Jackson explained.
Orthodox leader Yoda felt quite differently about the midichlorine matter.
"Preserve we must the sanctity of midichlorine assessments," Yoda explained, before prophesying "a disturbance in the force".
"I sense in Samuel L. Jackson much fear," Yoda stated, before outlining his plan to "drop the stick" and "go Matrix on his ass".
Mr. Jackson was quite disturbed about the notion of further violence, asking instead that Yoda and other Orthodox leaders embrace change.
RCMP officials stood by to ensure violence did not disrupt the press conferences. Despite several officers receiving autographs from Church leaders, they claimed the photographs they snapped were for evidence which might be required at any future trial.
